look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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