It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
