peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
