I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
