I looked at my own cervix.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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