The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
