apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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