I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think your dad took our porno
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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