Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
