You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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