Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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