peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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