Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize