How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
