i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
