Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
