we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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