I must be too annoying 4 u.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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