I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
