i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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