Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
