remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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