last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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