i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
