put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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