So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
