we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
