Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
