trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
