Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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