can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize