I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize