connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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