dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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