She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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