dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
