Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
