Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
