She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
