I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
