I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
