running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
