i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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