"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize