I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
