All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The air taste purple.
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