I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
