Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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