so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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