Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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