i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
