Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
