Your face is a jimmy john
Umm I'm too high to move.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
