T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
