For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
