my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
