she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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