Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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