So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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