remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
