The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
