I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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