It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
