Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize