I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
