Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
