I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
