Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
