his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
